Draga mama,

Acum dormi langa mine in patul meu din Bruxelles. Ti-am scris atatea scrisori pe care nu ti le-am trimis niciodata de teama sa nu te sperii si sa nu vii intr-un suflet la mine, crezand ca trebuie sa ma salvezi de viata asta grea.

Esti langa mine acum, chiar daca pentru numai cateva zile. Mi-ai facut supa mea preferata si placinta cu mere dupa care salivam fix de pe data de 19 noiembrie. M-ai lasat sa dorm tarziu si m-ai intrebat intr-una daca sunt bine. Mi-ai spus ca am slabit si ca arat bine, ti-a pasat ca exist, m-ai intrebat de sanatate si mi-ai spus noapte buna.

Cat de marunte ar parea toate, daca nu mi-ar fi lipsit atat de mult in ultimele trei luni. Si ce simplu mi-ar trece pe langa ureche daca nu mi le-as fi dorit cu ardoare de la orice fiinta umana.

Ajungem uneori sa ne dam seama ce multe lucruri pretioase avem si cum nu suntem in stare sa le apreciem. Ajungem sa ne potcnim uneori si ne trebuie doar un suflet, o mana calda, un gand bun, ceva care sa ne incurajeze. Cineva care sa se intrebe sincer daca ti-e bine si sa fie acolo, sa-ti fie fizic aproape.

Nu mi-am dat seama, pana sa vin aici, cat de conectata (fizic vorbind) eram de oamenii din jurul meu. Nu mi-am dat seama ca trebuie sa il ating pe Sorin zilnic ca sa am o stare de normalitate, nu una de bine. Ca trebuie sa imbratisez un prieten zilnic, ca trebuie sa-mi sarut iubitul mereu, ca trebuie sa tin bratul unei prietene cand ne plimbam pe strada. Doar ca sa ma simt normal, nici macar bine.

Stiu ca suna ca un cliseu, dar fiecare dintre noi are pe cineva langa el pe care-l poate atinge fizic. Mergeti la iubitul/iubita voastra si luati-i mana intr-a voastra. Atat. Simtiti asta prin toti porii si ganditi-va ca vine o zi cand n-o sa o mai puteti face. Sau mergeti la parinti si imbratisati-i. Vor pleca de langa noi curand si atunci o sa le imbratisam fotografiile, inghitindu-ne lacrimile. Mergeti la o prietena sau un prieten bun si pur si simplu lasati-va capul pe umarul ei/lui. Simtiti-i caldura si ganditi-va ca e trupul unui om care v-a fost aproape cand v-a fost greu.

Nu mereu ne dam seama cat de important este contactul fizic dintre oameni si uitam sa simtim. Uitam ca unul dintre cele mai importante simturi este cel tactil. Uitam ca i-am putea ghici pielea sau parul iubitului dintr-o mie doar pipaindu-le cu buricele degetelor. Nu stim ca palmele noastre au memorat texturi si forme, ca tastele ne curg sub degete natural si ca am stii sa recunoastem oricand o frunza artificiala de una adevarata cu ochii inchisi. Pentru ca pielea are fantastica proprietate de a simti viata din ceea ce atinge. Mi-era dor sa simt viata in ceea ce ating.

English version

Dear mom,

Now u’re sleepin next to me in my bed in Bruxelles. And i’ve been writing you so many letters i never got to send cos i never wanted you to run like crazy all the way to Belgium to save me from the shitty life i was complaining about.

You’re close to me now, even if only for just a few days. You cooked me my favourite soup and the apple pie i’ve been craving for since the 19th of november. You let me sleep late and you always ask if Im ok. You told me I lost weight and that I look good, you asked me how I feel and you told me good night.

How small they would all seem if I didnt miss them so much in the last three months. And how easily I would have let them go if i didnt need them so badly from any human being around me.

Sometimes we get to realize how many special things we have and how we’re so not able to appreciate. We get stuck sometimes and all we need is just a helping hand, a nice thought or somethin to give us hope. Someone to honestly ask if we’re ok and be there, physically close to us.

I never realized how strongly connected Im with the people around me before coming to Bruxelles. I wasnt aware that I need to touch Sorin daily just to feel normal, not even good. That I have to hug a friend every day, that I need to kiss my love all the time and that I need to hold my best friend’s arm when walking down the street. All just to feel normal and ok, not even good.

I know it sounds like a cliché, but each of us has someone who can physically touch right next to them. Go to your lover and  just hold their hands. Try and feel that with all your heart and think there’s a day when you’ll not be able to to that anymore. Or go to your parents and hug them. They will leave us soon and we’ll shortly be hugging only their photos, trying to stop our tears from falling. Go to a friend and just lean your head over their shoulder. Feel their body warm and remember this is the body that was next to you when you needed them, the one who helped you when no one else did.

We don’t realize how important the human contact is and we tend to forget how to feel. So easily we forget that the tactile sense is the most important of all. We never think that how easily we could distinguish our lover’s skin or hair out of a thousand just by touching them with our fingers. We are not aware that our hands have memorised shapes and textures, that the keyboard runs naturally under our hands, that we can always distinguish a plastic from a real leaf with our eyes closed. Nobody teaches that, and yet we all know it. Because our skin has the most fantastic skill ever – it can feel the life in what we touch. I miss feelig life in what i touch.